Island Hopping: the logistics

Okay, so everyone is on board with the idea of moving. The hard part is done. I think Maggie's hormones must be screwing with her brain functions, because this new easy-going, whatever-you-think-is-best version of my girlfriend is somewhat of an alien to me. But, again, I'm not really one to argue. Perhaps she'll come to her senses again soon, but by then, hopefully, it will be too late. As a back-up plan I intend to further confuse her thought process by alternating parenting literature from the American Academy of Pediatrics website and delicious rum drinks from this website, www.cruzanrum.com.

Step Two: Our stuff, what to do with it? Storage. Where? My parent's house. But they live in Virginia. I'll rent a truck and drive it there. But there is just so much of it. Okay, well, let's put it on ebay.
$42.00 play station 2
$8.00 belt buckle
$64.00 King of the Hill seasons 1-6
$13.00 iPod shuffle
$6.00 Converse Chuck Taylors (gingerly used)
etc...
+______________
$457.00 total
It really is frightening how much stuff a person has lying around that essentially just takes up space. A quick inventory and a little sorting and voila! I had just paid for...

Step Three: Plane tickets - LGA to STX - One way - $405 - That leaves fifty two bucks for gummy bears; Mickey D's bacon, egg and cheese biscuits; and reeses pieces. And yes, I will spend every cent on these three things. You shouldn't mess with pre-flight rituals, and these are mine.




Step Four: Where are we gonna live when we get there? Easy peezy. Craigslist.com That place has everything. You want a Vespa in Ft. Lauderdale, done. A babysitter in Des Moines, no prob. Sexual favors in San Fran, (isnt that how the list got started?). Moving on. What I need is an apartment in St Croix. Oh look, this one has a view of the ocean... A few emails back and forth and not only did we have a place to live for $900 a month, but also a Jeep Wrangler and a ride from the airport. Thank you Craig. Your list has been most helpful.

Step Five: The Caribbean. See ya when I get there.

A Compelling Argument

For those wondering how I managed to convince Maggie to leave the Big Apple, below I have transcribed our exact conversation.

Me: Honey, we should leave New York and move to an island in the middle of the Caribbean.
Maggie: That's just crazy!!!
Me: What is?
Maggie: Moving from New York to an island in the middle of the Caribbean!
Me: Why? New York is an island.
Maggie: Oh. Well, when you put it that way, it makes perfect sense. Okay. Let's go.
Me: Great. I don't think we should take much. Probably just our swimsuits and the diaper bag.
Maggie: And sunscreen.
Me: Right, sunscreen.

I think also it's important to throw in the fact that our heater was broken, there was two feet of snow on the ground, and we had just received notice that our health isurance premium was increasing $200 per month. Thank you very much Freelancers Union.
p.s. hiya and how ya doin?

NYC YA LATER...

New York City, is there anywhere else like it on the planet? I hope not. One is enough. Where else can $2000 buy you thirty days of residency in a 300 square foot box? Where else can you catch the swine flu from 3 out of 4 neighbors? Where else can you get a $175 dollar ticket for an expired parking meter? Where else can you...? You get the idea.

In reality, NYC's not all bad. For example, my little Chinese laundry lady was quite jovial (despite the fact she spent 20 years behind the same counter, weighing bags of laundry on a scale that I'm certain was at least 15 lbs light, but who was I to say anything?). Our broken English conversations were always a delight, and I could spend the remainder of the day wondering what we were talking about.

Ever see this ad before? It's for a storage company here in New York.


Storkage?? Really? That's just asinine. Who would ever store a dining room table to make room for a crib? Me, that's who. What's even worse is that the idea hadn't occured to me and then I saw this ad at the subway and thought, Eureka!! That's it!! Crisis averted. We just won't eat anymore. Baby has a place to sleep AND we will all lose weight. Maggie will be back to her pre-preggo hot skinny self in no time!

One day you just wake up and think, "WHY!!??" I don't like living here. Why am I living here? I don't like anything about this place (except that Indian restaurant down the block, but that's hardly reason for permanant habitation).


Maybe you should do something about it.


Maybe you should make a list of the things you do like.


Maybe that list looks something like this:



I've got it!! Maybe we should all just move to the Caribbean... Yep, the Caribbean.

But where?? Umm, this island looks pretty neat. What's it called?
St. Croix. Cool name. Let's go there.



And we should probably get Finn a sun hat.

Opening Questions from the World's WORST Father

Q: Is it ok to feed leftover pancake batter to my 6-week old?

Q: Can I bathe my baby and my dog at the same time?

Q: If I forget his bottle, is it appropriate to ask the nursing mom at Barnes and Noble if she has enough milk in her breast for my kid?

Q: My newborn loves sleeping in an idling car. How often should I check on him?

Q: Will my baby's tattoo stretch out too much as he gets older?

How it all began...

NEW YORK CITY - UPPER EAST SIDE - DEC. 21st 2009

At 3:30 am my girlfriend (yeah, that's right, girlfriend (the mother of my child, not my mistress (I don't have any children with my mistress))) waddled from the bathroom towards the bedroom and grinned as she flipped on the light and pointed to her recently drenched stretchy pants. "My water just broke!"

Thank God! The baby was 6 days late and this meant she could quit wearing stretchy pants. Is there anything less flattering on a pregnant woman than over-stretched stretchy pants?

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REWIND TO - ATLANTA, GA 2007

This is me. Notice how awesome I am? I was working as a camera assistant for a reality TV show in Atlanta. One day my boss asked me if I wanted to work in New York City. Umm, I guess so. So two days later I was crashing on a friends sofa in Jersey City (I know. Jersey? Eww. Why? And yes, my douche-ometer reading instantly doubled as I crossed the state line). Any who, my first day at work on my new job, which involved creating rap groups for some guy named Puff Diddy, Pug Daddy, Pup Diggidy or something like that , I met a very cute production coordinator/my future baby momma, Maggie (she wasn't eating noodles or anything when we met).

We moved in together two months later and suddenly, I was a New Yorker living on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. So, go fuck yourself (I'm pretty sure that means 'Hiya' or 'How ya doin?' in Yankee).

Whirlwind romance, blah blah blah...

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FAST FORWARD TO - JUNE 2009

Congratulations!!!

IT'S A NEON-BLUE PEANUT!!!